All you need is l.o.v.e.

"I'm so glad vacation is over. I just couldn't wait to get back to the 'real world,'" said no one ever. But all good things must come to an end, and so here we are.

I have so much that I want to pack into this post, all while still trying to keep it well-written and coherent. This week has been an emotional week. Hope's actual due date is slowly approaching, and with it are all of these feelings that I didn't even know I still harbored. There were days that really made me question if I had made any progress at all. There were days that I questioned why I even tried to keep a good attitude. I felt weary, and like all of this "positive thinking" was getting me nowhere--my arms are still empty!! ..but then it dawned on me. "Yes, your arms are empty, but look at your life." My life is overflowing with blessings. Slowly I realized that in pursuit of this miracle I had forgotten that I already live a pretty miraculous life.

In the short amount of time that I have been on Earth, I have already overcome so much. This week, I ran into a family friend that I haven't seen in over eleven years. We greeted each other with surprise and joy, and then the questions began flowing. With each answer given, I became more and more aware of the fact that I am a walking miracle--okay, okay, I don't want to sound conceited! What I mean is this: When I was seven, I was abandoned by both parents. Growing up, I was verbally abused by some of my caretakers (everything that I am listing, I have come to terms with and have forgiven those involved! I feel like that is so important to mention). Looking back, on paper my life has been struggle after struggle, but in my heart, it feels like deliverance after deliverance. Does that make sense? I know now that a lot of children that have experienced many of the same circumstances have resorted to drugs, alcohol, or a life of crime (not ALL, but many). I was so blessed in the fact that I had someone who cared so much about me to introduce me to Jesus so early in my life. I've mentioned before that I have strayed many times, but ultimately he has always protected me from ever really getting into a bad situation. For the past two years I've been begging Jesus for a miracle. All this time it's eluded me that he has been working on one for over 24 years. And he isn't finished yet.

You're probably thinking, "So, that really doesn't answer why it's all worth it--keeping a positive attitude in the face of adversity."

I think you're going to have to come up with your own reasons, your own motivations. But I can share mine.

I grew up in a home with someone that was very bitter. I have seen first-hand what clinging to old grudges can do to someone. I made a decision to never become that, to never let bitterness consume me. That doesn't mean that I don't find myself growing bitter at times, but it does mean that I have to work a little bit harder to feed myself positive thoughts. I don't want to be that person! I want to be a blessing to others, and I want to be someone that I can live with!

So, how do I fight these negative thoughts?

1. First and foremost, I bring it to God in prayer!
            As soon as I realize I'm harboring some negative thoughts, I go to Jesus and tell him exactly what's in my heart. Don't hold anything back--He already knows it anyway, and you'll feel so much better. Example: I've mentioned that this week has been really tough. Sometimes it's so easy to withdrawal into your pain, and slowly the focus is your pain and not Jesus. My sister-in-law, Marie, (who is also one of my greatest friends) recently had a baby girl. Marie and her husband had their daughter baptized this past Sunday. A few days before the baptism, I had an emotional day, in which I could not face anyone. This led to me backing out of attending the baptism--through text messages (when your own pain becomes the focus, you also become kind of a jerk to your friends). Sunday rolled around, and I got up and got ready for church. I took my seat and Pastor began his sermon. The subject: Self-centeredness! HA! He didn't have to say another word, the Holy Spirit was working deeply to convict this girl's spirit. Before he said another word, and before I embarrassed myself by breaking out into tears (that comes later), I quietly got up and left. My husband and I made our way to the baptism, and you know what? We were SO GLAD that we were there for our family. God never convicts to condemn. He knew the remedy for my pain.

2. I try my best to surround myself with other positive people and things.
         I believe whole-heartedly that this is an important step if you ever want to change a negative mind into a positive one! Who you spend your time with, and the books you read and the television shows you watch, even the music you listen to, has a HUGE effect on the way you think and perceive the world around you. "Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things (Philippians 4:8)." I promise you "For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he (Proverbs 23:7)." It's so important to evaluate your heart every now and then. Are you the person you want to be? Despite outward circumstances?

3. Sometimes all you need is love.
         This sounds so simple, but I've found this to be true for my struggle. I've mentioned that I consider Marie to be a close friend. It isn't easy, as a woman struggling with infertility, to find out friends are expecting...especially when they don't have to try as hard as you do. But you know what helps? Having a friend that puts just as much effort to be as gracious, sensitive, and understanding as she possibly can--and for me, that has been Marie. Not only, did I score pretty big there, but I have an amazing family and an entire army of women who truly care and constantly reach out--sometimes with a simple text to let me know they're praying, sometimes with an amazing card to remind me they're thinking about me, and sometimes with an over-the-top care package that makes me feel so blessed! The best part is that I know I don't have to do this alone. (Shout out to all of those lovely people in my life! xo).

My last bit of motivation, which is probably the most important, is that Christ calls us to be ready. I love this Winston Churchill quote:

"To each there comes in their lifetime a special moment when they are figuratively tapped on the shoulder and offered the chance to do a very special thing, unique to them and fitted to their talents. What a tragedy if the moment finds them unprepared or unqualified for that which could have been their finest hour."

Why wait until the moment comes to prepare? Why wait until that test reads, "positive" to put all of the wisdom you've gained along the way to use? What makes a mother anyway? I think it's someone who puts their child before themselves, sacrificially loving them, thinking of them every single day. An infertile woman does this with a child she has never even met. I am already a mother, and that is why it's important to keep a good attitude.

I love the way another blogger put it: "I'm grateful that I can now celebrate [motherhood], not because I am a mother, but because of what the desire for motherhood has done to my life."