Your will, not mine.

This week my husband and I celebrated our second wedding anniversary. I love the special feeling on days like anniversaries and birthdays. The air just seems a little lighter and the day feels full of possibility. This anniversary was, of course, a bittersweet one for us, having been the first after our loss, but it really did make the day that much sweeter.

 

 

Since our decision to put all things baby on hold and concentrate on rebuilding our relationship and lives, things have been okay. I can see progress and that makes me thankful.  This morning I was writing a letter and as I was ending said letter, I realized I could have been writing to myself. I SHOULD have been writing to myself:

 

"...I look at the way his [King David] faith remained and I am in awe. He believed God was going to get him through and I need to believe that too. We all make mistakes. No one is perfect. Thankfully, our success and worth are not measured by the things we do wrong. I don't care what the rest of the world says, I think success means to love and to be loved, to forgive when it makes more sense to be angry, and to have the courage and strength to pick yourself up and move on when it is easier to crumble and give up."

 

Lately, I feel that I have been living in every way but victoriously. When I felt God leading us to lay all of this at His feet, I knew that it was going to be hard, but I haven't given myself a fighting chance. I forfeited ground for which I have greatly sacrificed to gain, simply because I didn't get what I wanted and then proceeded to sulk. 

 

My husband often tells me that I allow my emotions to control too much of life. I didn't quite understand what he meant until I came to the realization this morning that I have allowed the way that I feel to paralyze me, instead of allowing Jesus access to that part of my heart. I know that I need to be in sync with Jesus because He is the source from which I receive all of the daily graces and mercies I need to move forward. I know this time in my life is all leading towards something beautiful, and I can't continue to waste this time sulking.

 

I am thankful that there have been moments over the past couple of weeks when I have felt content. Today was one of those days. I know that I am making progress, but every now and then that pang of pain vibrates in my heart and a streak of sadness will shoot across it like lightning. At times I just want to cry, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me from the words of my groaning? O my God, I cry by day, but You do not answer, and by night but I find no rest (Psalm 22:1, 2)." I know it will take more time, so I continue to pray, "Your will, not mine."