Okay, so I know that I am officially the worst blogger ever, but to be honest, there hasn't been much to convey. I don't want to begin to sound like a broken record. I want my posts to continue to have a freshness, but this week I need to be honest.
A few weeks ago, my husband and I made the decision to put TTC on hold until our next RE appt. due to a busy August schedule and because this journey has a way of completely draining someone's heart. I laugh when I think of the saying: "They say insanity is repeating the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result." This journey has me feeling almost insane. Infertility is a very tough thing to deal with, without all of life's other burdens. Over the past couple of weeks, things have started to pile up. You know that feeling--the one that nearly suffocates you? After making our decision, the next morning I woke up feeling lost. I knew then that we had made the right decision because I felt as though I had built my life around this one aspect--I had made it everything. So, I've been using this time to rebuild my heart and my life--this explains the MIAness.
Starting from scratch isn't easy. I promise you that it takes every part of who I am not to go running back to that place, chasing everything that I want. I've been so emotional this week, and I know that it is because I am vulnerable without the "thing" that I have used to define who I am, but I know this is affirmation that I need to press on. This morning during worship, tears strolled down my face as we sang "I Surrender All."
"All to Jesus I surrender. Humbly at His feet I bow. Worldly pleasures all forsaken;..." Why is it so hard for us to let go? These words ripped at my heart this morning and as I sang, I cried to Jesus. I know so well that God has a plan for me, and I know that this plan is good, but when you feel the floor fall out from under you, it's easy to lose sight of that. Jesus knows my heart. He knows that I'm tired of feeling broken. Life's many burdens have me exhausted. It leaves me asking, "Where is the good, Lord?"
My very wonderful friend, Chelsea (Like her, her blog is AWESOME!), gifted me with a daily calendar. Each morning I look forward to what it has in store for me. This morning it read:
"August 18: Expect to encounter adversity in your life, remembering that you live in a deeply fallen world. Stop trying to find a way that circumvents difficulties. The main problem with an easy life is that it masks your need for Me. When you became a Christian, I infused My very Life into you, empowering you to live on a supernatural plane by depending on Me.
"Anticipate coming face to face with impossibilities: situations totally beyond your ability to handle. This awareness of your inadequacy is not something you should try to evade. It is precisely where I want you--the best place to encounter Me in My glory and power. When you see armies of problems marching toward you, cry out to Me! Allow Me to fight for you. Watch Me working on your behalf, as you rest in the shadow of My Almighty Presence."
I don't know what else to say. This was exactly what I needed to read. I'm wasting my time looking for the good in this world--it is a fallen world. He is the good. I want nothing more than to rest in His Presence as He fights the many battles that continue to rage in my heart.
I do want to take this time to apologize to my family and friends for my absence in our relationships, and I would like to ask for prayers. Please know that your prayer makes such a vast difference. I felt it on my due date. I need those prayers again as I battle this heaviness that has taken up residence in my heart. It's grievous, and I miss being happy and whole. I promise the entries will continue, because I have faith that God is working even now. And I can't wait to blog about those very things!
God Bless.
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