A thorn was given me in the flesh..

Hello, again. I decided after my last post that it was time for a mini "me-cation." (I can't thank you all enough for the overwhelming amount of views and positive feedback that I received for my previous post.) I call it a "me-cation" because I took these past two weeks to relish in the peace that God has given me and to spend some time with me, doing the things that bring me joy. During this time, my husband and I didn't talk about ttc or anything ttc related. We just enjoyed our time together, and it was wonderful.

We visited with some of my husband's family in Maryland.

I was able to be in North Carolina for my brother's homecoming from his second tour of duty in Afghanistan.

It was such an amazing experience, emotions were heightened and it was a great trip. We hit the beach, played mini-golf, rode go-karts, swam, and visited a restaurant with thirty milkshake flavors to choose from. It was only a three-day trip, but we packed as much as we possibly could into it, and it made for an awesome time.

Then, this past Saturday, Francis and I made our way out to State College, PA to meet a very important person in my life.

Kim and her daughter, Molly, were visiting PA from Kentucky. I was blessed to have had the opportunity to meet them while they were here. Kim has been a huge support for me throughout my journey and I thank God for our friendship!

I even had some motivation to rediscover my creativity that had been buried under grief and sorrow.

 

 

 

 

I deeply enjoyed this time I was able to take away from the "real world," but now I know that it's time to move on--move on, but not forget. This journey began eight months ago, and though I knew it would change my life, I could not have imagined that it would do so in such a way that has cut to the very core of who I am. It's been a great reminder that life isn't meant to be easy. It's meant to challenge you, to mold you, to teach you.

 

This morning was my first Sunday back in church since traveling to North Carolina, and our youth pastor delivered a message that I could appreciate. He spoke about apathy (how funny that I had mentioned my apathy a few posts ago). He said, "Apathy is about limiting the cost of following Christ." I've never considered it in those terms before. How true is it about myself that I desire to follow Christ, but I ask for the easiest, lightest burdens. He called it "cheap grace." It was an eye-opening sermon that caused me to think of my infertility as an offering. I could live my life in such a way, and carry my cross in such a way that it is my prayer to Jesus Christ that only ever brings Him glory. He will provide the strength, courage, and grace, but I need to be willing.

 

When I think of my infertility (unexplained as of yet) I often think of Paul and the "thorn" in II Corinthians. "A thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you.." (II Cor. 12: 7-9). How many times have I asked Him to remove my thorn? Reading in Job the other day I came across this verse: "He delivers the afflicted by their affliction.." (Job 36:15). The very burden that I beg God to remove from my life is what He has chosen as a means of delivering me, and I've been begging Him to take it away. Now I see. I've wanted "cheap grace," but there is nothing cheap about what Christ has given for me. Who am I to cheapen it?

 

David is probably my favorite person from the old testament. This morning, Pastor Khyle reminded me why. In II Samuel, David had committed a sin and because of this God plagued the people of Israel. David prayed and asked God to remove the plague from the people. God agreed, and sent a prophet to David telling him to raise an altar to the Lord on the threshing floor of a man named, Araunah.

 

              "And Araunah said, 'Why has my lord the king come to his servant?' David said,

              'to buy the threshing floor from you, in order to build an altar to the Lord, that

               the plague may be averted from the people.' Then Araunah said to David, 'Let

               my lord the king take and offer up what seems good to him. Here are the oxen

               for the burnt offering and the threshing sledges and the yokes of the oxen for the

               wood. All this Araunah gives to the king.' But the king said to Araunah, 'No, I

               will buy it from you for a price. I will not offer to the Lord my God that

               which costs me nothing (II Samuel 24:21-24)."

 

I can't say it any better myself. Infertility has been heavy, painful, and debilitating. It has broken me time and time again. But I know that as I offer my shattered heart to the Healer, it is an offering that has not been cheap.