my Strength and my Song.

In the time since my last post, I set several goals to live as a woman victoriously healed in Christ. I wanted to claim my healing. In order to do that, I felt it was important to reflect on the past and to set my goals accordingly. I started small and set only two goals.

First, I want to remain joyful in every circumstance. I don't want to give the enemy permission to steal that joy when the floor gives way beneath me. That requires a choice to be made daily, even several times a day on some days, and a lot of trust. I find myself repeating "The Lord is my strength and my song" several times a day. Lastly, I set the goal to bless a loved one, or even a stranger, at least once a week. (Once a week may seem sparse, but remember, I wanted to start small as to not be overwhelmed!) This second goal forces me to live with others on my mind rather than concentrating on my troubles. With all of this in mind, I want to share what I have been up to the past week or so.

The first week went by fairly easily. I was still living off of the high of realizing I had been healed, which made the daily choice to be joyful somewhat automatic. Yesterday, I received a call from my RE office. My doctor would be out of the office the week my appointment had been scheduled and they rescheduled me for December, only a week later. When you've waited two years, what is another week, right? You would think. This was my first opportunity to really test how far my patience has come. This news saddened me. My husband and I are more than ready for answers. We patiently watch as our peers begin to build their families, seemingly without obstacles (The grass always looks greener..) and here we sit, empty arms, waiting for answers. Waiting. Always waiting.

So the big question... How far had my patience come? Well, I don't really know how to gauge that, but there were no tears, no cries to God about how unfair my situation seems to be. So, even though there was sadness, I counted this as a victory. "Lord, you are my strength and my song."

Living joyfully is a struggle all on its own. It's HARD! This morning I awoke feeling unsure--I wasn't sure of what I was unsure of, but I was unsure. I could feel the doubt and discouragement creeping into my heart and mind. "Lord, you are my strength and my song." I prayed that God would remove the doubt and discouragement from my heart and in their place, send love, certainty of His goodness, and faith. I wanted to remember that I already possess every resource to get me through each day, I need only to ask my Father. And so I asked.

This morning in our time together, He answered. As I read Psalm 78, I was slowly moved to tears. At 72 verses it is on the longer side and though I wish I could share it all, I won't. I strongly encourage you to find a Bible and read it this morning! In a time when God seemed absent, the author recounted his people's journey to the promised land, retelling every good deed God had done for them even when they rejected Him, sinned against Him, complained about Him. I was so deeply moved, because before reading this passage and really understanding it, I had never really thought about the way that God feels. He created the universe. He knows all that is to pass. I guess I always just assumed that He knew that good was coming and that was enough. But this passage shows that to be untrue. God grew angry. He was saddened. He was heartbroken for His people.

God knows the good that is to come in my life and marriage. "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' (Jeremiah 29:11)" But this doesn't stop Him from being disappointed in me, or feeling rejected by me... or feeling saddened or sorrowful along with me, or even feeling proud of me, and it NEVER stops Him from loving me.

As I finished Psalm 78, I felt moved to write my own Psalm 78 in my journal. It was excruciating to remember all of the times I rejected God or blamed Him for whatever circumstance I was in, but it was so comforting and overwhelming to see how He cared and provided for me during those times. As hard as it is to step outside of my current situation and look at the big picture, I know that God will be faithful through this as well. The only difference is that this time I know better. I have the choice to remain joyful, and to seek His company through the entire ordeal.

When I look back at my Psalm 78, I see the words "He rescued me" several times and my mind is reminded of the verse in II Samuel: "He rescued me because He delighted in me."
I am speechless at this thought. Who am I to be blessed with this kind of love? Who am I that the Creator of life delights in me.

Next time you feel as though God is absent: recognize it as a feeling and an untruth, sit down and read Psalm 78, and then write your own Psalm 78. He rescued you because He delights in you.


"But I will hope continually and will praise You yet more and more. My mouth will tell of Your righteous acts, or your deeds of salvation all the day, for their number is past my knowledge. (Psalm 71: 14-15)"