someday.

This post is going to be a little bit different than my normal entries. I don't talk much about where we are in the process or what I'm thinking (or maybe I do..). I'm going to do that today. I think lately life has become kind of mechanical for me. I've been praying for God to slow it all down and allow me time to reflect and change my heart. I think today is that day.

Hope's due date is on Wednesday. Last Friday, I released a balloon for her. I guess I thought that as I let go of the balloon I would finally be letting go of certain attachments I felt, but I found quite the opposite to be true. As the balloon floated up, the tears rolled down and I just felt heavy instead of relief. There really is going to be no baby. Obviously, I knew this before that moment, but I think all that it means is finally sinking in and I feel.. well, I don't really know how I feel. I've come to terms with the death of this baby. I know that she is in a much better place, with a Father that will be much better for her than I ever could be. Yet, I still feel an emptiness and a longing. On some days I even find myself a bit apathetic, and I know this isn't okay, but I try to remind myself that I will have good days and I will have bad days. This is a bad day, and it will pass.

As far as where we are in the process, Fran and I met with a Reproductive Endocrinologist (fertility specialist) in May, but she was unable to evaluate us or recommend any testing until I've reached the one year anniversary of my first pregnancy. So, even though we have now been ttc for 21 months, we are unable to move forward or find answers, which can be very frustrating. It was a huge blow for my husband and I, but we are trying to remain hopeful. I know that "faith in God includes faith in His timing," and I have to believe that He is asking me to wait for a better reason than I can imagine. So, until October we are continuing naturally and praying for our miracle. This has been a good lesson for me to let go of all of those notions of what life was "supposed" to be and just take it day by day, come what may. It has been a very hands-on lesson, and a painful one. I'm trying my best to rest in God and allow Him to heal all of those wounds. I know that I am in capable hands.

Children are still a very big dream for my husband and I. There are times when I just want to give up, but he keeps me going. I'm so thankful to share this journey with him. So, while we continue in pursuit of our dream, I want to celebrate the biggest blessing in my life, which has been our marriage. Sometimes, when I wake up in the middle of the night, I still can't believe that I get to sleep next to, wake to his kisses, and share my life with this man. I remember our "courting" phase (yes, that sounds old. I don't care.) I laugh at the awkwardness and confusion of it all now as I enjoy him as my husband, just as I have faith that this time in my life won't seem as heavy when I'm enjoying the laughter of my children.

It's funny to look back and remember all that we were before now and to smile and thank God for all that we have become. I met Fran at a small carnival in our neighborhood. I knew him from high school, but had never spoken to him. That night I was with a friend when I heard my name being called amongst the noise of a carnival crowd. When I looked for the source, it was a friend that had attended my church youth group a few times. Fran was with him. I greeted this friend with a hug and felt rude not doing the same to his friend, and from there we struck up a friendship.

We were kind of an unusual match, but I knew we were different. We didn't have most of the same cares as a lot of our friends. I remember, one night, Fran said to me, "We're not that great at small talk. We just skip right to the deep stuff." This went on for months, until one night I received a text message that read, "You're my girlfriend, right?" Haha, romantic, right? But it was so perfectly us and I love it still.

We had been dating for a little over a year when Fran decided it was now or never to act on his dream of living in Alaska. The day before his flight, my friend and I had already planned a backpacking trip in northern PA, so we had to say goodbye earlier than expected. The morning of my trip, Fran and I stood on my front porch to say goodbye. We had written each other letters and exchanged them before he left. He was acting strange and really wouldn't look at me, so I feared that he was going to end it. Instead, he stopped pacing, hugged me, and said, "Bridget, I love you." It was one of the most beautiful moments we've shared--our first exchange of those words. A moment that I can, in no way, give justice, and I'm perfectly okay with that, because it was our moment.

I left for Tioga County and he boarded a plane that would take him 4,000 miles away. That time was very hard. I was a junior in college at KU, my boyfriend had just moved to Alaska. My best friend had just moved to Montana. I had a lot of time to figure out who I was and what I wanted, and it was Fran. Forever. We were able to talk on the phone, and I sent him letters and packages, but it was still hard. This is where I give kudos to all of the military spouses out there. I applaud you for your courage and strength!

A few months after Fran moved to Alaska, on a Thursday morning at 3:00 AM, he came home. I walked out my front door to hug the man I missed. That morning he told me he came home because he knew his dreams had changed. He no longer felt passionate about living in Alaska or anything that he had wanted to do before. He wanted to get married.

In November 2010, Fran asked me to marry him and we tied the knot on September 3, 2011. The rest is history. Hands down, best decision I ever made. No one else will do.

I know this would have made a better anniversary post, but I was just feeling so discouraged today and it really felt good to remember the good things God has already placed in our lives! I hope you can remember to do the same. God bless!