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This morning on my way to work, I couldn't help but weep as JJ Heller sang, "You have a Father's heart and a love that's wild. And you know what it's like to lose a child." Even though I've heard this song a thousand times, I still cry. Every single time I hear it. In fact, I just went to find the video on YouTube to link it to the blog and I'm crying even now! This song is a beautiful reminder to trust God, to remember that even when things don't make sense, we can find comfort in the fact that we know God and we know that He is only interested in our well-being. As I listened to this song this morning, God laid a friend on my heart. If you're the praying kind, please remember her in your prayers. Out of respect for her privacy I will not disclose her name. Last week, she miscarried her fourth baby. This woman has got to be one of the strongest women I know. I ask that you pray for her broken heart.
In honor of my dear friend and many women who have lost babies, I would like to dedicate this post to raising miscarriage awareness. Did you know that one out of every four pregnancies ends in miscarriage?
Yet, miscarriage isn't something that is openly discussed. Chances are you know someone who has experienced this kind of loss. It may be hard to know how to reach out to this person, but I promise it means the world to this couple. We have to remember that the mother is not the only one mourning a life. Daddy is a very integral part of the equation as well. He lost his child too.
What are some ways you can let this couple know you are thinking about them?
1. Say a prayer or send a card. The first day or two after we miscarried, my husband and I just needed space. Our initial feelings were numbness, sadness, and anger. We needed time to process our loss and to cry together. It was so important for us to spend this alone time together. We received a lot of text messages and cards expressing others' sympathy and letting us know we were in their prayers. This respect for space really meant a lot to us during this time, and we really appreciated knowing that our friends and family were thinking of us without being intrusive.
2. Send a care package. The one thing I absolutely did not want to do was leave the house. I did not feel comfortable in my own skin. Of course, I had to go to work, but other than that I tried to stay home as much as possible. My mother-in-law is an excellent example to use for this pinpoint. The entire first week following our miscarriage, Fran's mother brought meals for every night. She gifted me with a necklace of Hope's birthstone, and even flowers. She checked in with me emotionally without becoming overbearing. This was something I deeply appreciated and will never forget. If you're far away from your loved one and can't stop by with these things, a care package is an excellent alternative. You could include a gift card for food (most likely fast food of some sort--I did NOT feel like going out), a journal, bubble bath, candles, sweatpants, and of course, a caring note.
3. Remember to be sensitive. Just because time has passed, doesn't mean the pain has. (This is a great article to read in order to learn about the hard days for those who have miscarried.) People say things without thinking. We're human, it happens. After our loss, I experienced this multiple times. I know that the person was not intentionally trying to hurt me, but their words did not sting any less because of that. When you're with this person, try to be mindful about the things you say. If you're pregnant or you've just learned that you're pregnant, be sensitive in the way that you speak about your pregnancy or in the way that you share your news. Yes, this is your pregnancy and it's not all about them, but I promise you they do not wish to rob you of your joy and make it about them. That is the last thing they want. They are happy for you, but your news definitely highlights their loss, and that is something that you need to respect. If you're pregnant, remember that the creation of life is a miracle that not everyone gets to experience. Be thankful and courteous. We know that you'll have miserable days too, but complaining won't make your ailments disappear. If you have a friend that has miscarried, or even someone that is struggling with infertility, and you find that you are pregnant, a great way to show them you care and to be sensitive to their pain is to share your news privately first, before posting on a social media site or telling them in a group of people.
4. Acknowledge their loss. One of the most difficult aspects of my loss was the fact that some people treated me as if Hope had never existed. They skirted around the subject and talked as if I had never been pregnant. This saddened my heart even more. Hope is not any less a person because she never left the womb. I never met her, but she has changed my life drastically. She was a person. She existed. I love when Hope's name is brought up in a conversation. Nikki, my brother-in-law's girlfriend, was a great example of this. I have thanked her for this before, but will do so again. I was touched by her acknowledgment of my child and hearing Hope's name always, always left me with a smile.
5. This is a big one, not just for those who have suffered a miscarriage, but for anyone you know that may be coping with infertility. Please, please do not dismiss their pain with, "You're young. It will happen," or "Just relax. It will happen." Infertility is a medical condition, in some cases irreversible, and no amount of youth or relaxation will help. You may just be trying to help or may be at a loss for what to say, but don't say that! Something else you should avoid is the infamous "My friend's uncle's cousin's wife had three miscarriages and now has six living children." It's great that you know someone who has overcome infertility (Praise God!), but at this time in someone's life they may not be ready to hear your story. God made us all unique, as are all of our stories, so maybe just lend an ear to listen. And definitely hug them.
Now I would like to share a few things that really helped me cope with my loss in hopes that it will help someone else!
1. Mourn in your own way and your own time. Cry when you need to cry. Don't feel guilty if you find yourself laughing. You'll have good days and you'll have bad days. Love yourself enough to know what you can and cannot handle.
2. Bury yourself in the Bible. I could not find relief no matter what I seemed to do. The only thing I really looked forward to was my time in God's Word right before bed. I recommend the Psalms.
3. Name your baby. Naming Hope really allowed us to find closure and find a home for all of that displaced grief. Grieving for a miscarried baby is so hard, especially when lost before you were able to find the gender. After we named Hope, we were able to visualize our baby and really mourn her in a healthy way that allowed us to also move on.
4. Don't be afraid to ask for help. This is what your friends and family are here for. Don't be afraid to call someone if you need someone to talk to or to ask for anything that you need.
5. Share your news. This isn't something that will come right away. At least, it didn't for me. It took me six months to open up about my struggle. Of course, close friends and family knew what we were going through, but many, many people did not. The best way to keep someone's memory alive is by remembering them and sharing their lives with others. In my personal case, I felt like keeping Hope behind closed doors was prohibiting me from accepting my situation and moving on. It took me six months to feel comfortable with accepting that part of my life, but I am finally here. I now feel relief. I was scared and thought I would be judged, but I have found the opposite to be true. I found acceptance and support on the other side of that door, and I am so thankful I found the strength to enter. I remember the nerves I felt as I made my first public blog post. After posting that night, I woke up the next morning thinking, "I should not have done that." I walked into work and was greeted by my boss, Monica, with a big hug. It really is the little things that get us through the day.
An elderly woman that attends my church invited me to a memorial that they hold annually to remember the little ones they have lost. Lucille lost a son many years ago, but the pain is still so real for her today. I am thankful to have someone like her in my life!
We lit candles in memory of those sweet little ones.
We were able to write a note to our babies and release them along with a balloon. The hopeful silence that followed has been one of the most beautiful experiences of my life. God bless those women!
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